How to survive the Trojan War
by VeronikaB
Summary: Self insert!Menelaus. SLASH


**Author notes:** I'm a big lover of fanfiction, and I admire those who are able to write, unfortunately I have to confess, I am not among them. My spelling is terrible :( So any beta reader please if you are interested contact me, I would be grateful for help, be it grammar, filling the blanks or help with romantic scenes, really anything would be good.

Anyway if you can get over it I invite you to read ideas that I got or read somewhere for stories that I would be very happy to read. So the authors who needs inspiration and wants to adopt them, just please write to me, so I can read your work. I can't wait :).

 **Warnings: contains SLASH (malexmale relationship pairing), foul language, sexual content**

Inspired by movie Helen of Troy (2003) and The Troy (2004), where star Brad Pitt, who is so hot he will always be my Achilles, and book The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. Note: I have never read Iliad or studied Greek mythology so I´m sorry for mistakes I make in my ignorance.

 **Self insert!Menelaus**

Menelaus was a king and a husband of Helen of Troy.

It hit him like a bolt of lightning. The others could not tell, but inside he was panicking. Well take it easy I can do this he tried to encourage himself, but he failed. Are you surprised? Seriously man how would you have acted, if you are at one point on the sofa watching movie and eating junk food being absolutely chill because you had just done all tests your slave drivers teachers got you, and suddenly you're inside it? Especially in such a mess.

 _It´s before the war at least_ , you think but then in the next second freeze, _it´s before the war, you are one of the leaders and don't know how to fight. The only battle in which you had ever been was the battle for a tv remote and you've lost when your little sister jerked it from your arms with the winning shout. You're a dead man._

People, regardless of age, gender, religion or orientation agree on one thing, the thing that is so crucial and obvious, that they aren´t even aware of it until they are pushed to the breaking point. The will to survive. Survival instincts, aren´t they things of beauty?

Our protagonist was really lucky, my dear readers, it were these instincts that prevented him from making a scene. Instead, he sat quietly in a tent and his brain feverishly worked how to avoid painful death in the near future.

 _Okay, what I know? Fact one: Helen is my wife. I don't know if she ran away or was abducted. Oh man I don´t want to go to war for a girl, I don´t even like girls! Fact two: Agamemnon is my brother, based on the film he´s jerk and powerful man. Note-don't you dare get on his bad side! Dude he killed his own daughter so the fleet could sail, you can't rely on family loyalty!_

In that moment he had an idea, an idea so brilliant that he couldn't believe that he invented it. It is said that at least once in a lifetime each person get one and on that day it must happened to him.

"My Lord, your brother, called a meeting of commanders," said a soldier who was standing on the threshold of the tent. This must be a sign Mark could not be more pleased. He got up and motioned for him to go in front of him. He tried to remember the path in order to know how to get back, but it was hard, because he also had to keep an eye on his posture. His mother had always encouraged him to stand up straight, if he knew that he would have to pretend to be a king, he would had tried more to accommodate her.

When the soldier stopped before a big red tent he took a deep breath and with shoulders back and face hopefully arranged into neutral expression entered. Inside was a big table with maps and people he didn't have the slightest idea who they were. He made a strategic retreat to the corner and hoped that they won´t notice. Fortunately for him, they had other worries.

„Men are impatient when we finally sail? ". "I was promised the greatest war in history and instead I am stuck between old stuck ups." "It isn't natural I tell you its bad sing" murmured everybody.

„Silence" shouted a dark-haired man with a beard and dark eyes " while you behave like old woman I sent for prophet Calchas, he will tell us what the gods demand".

He had given them a dark look just daring them to speak. This must be the Agamemnon. He heard the rustle of fabric, turned his head and his gaze rested on the old man with a long beard, dressed in white relying on a stick. "You wanted an answer my king and I have it for you but be warned price for your journey is high" the old man's hardly sat down on a chair and waited for the king´s reply. "Say your piece priest" and with piercing eyes on him he did. "You have angered the goddess Artemis, she won´t allow your voyage unless you appease her and she had set only one price that would placate her anger. Your daughter´s Iphigenia blood, only when your knife pierces her flesh and her last breath is taken, can you carry on" no one dared to speak or even move.

With heart pounding, Mark waited for his moment, and when he saw how Agamemnon opened his mouth, he cut in "thank you for your advice priest, you're right, the price is too costly". He tried to act calm" Although it saddens me greatly that I won´t have my brother's support, my heart knows that family is more important than my selfish desire to have him by my side in this battle. Please offer Artemis the best bull and ask for lenience, no insult was meant and I'm sure that the keen apology and a big sacrifice will please her more than the blood of innocent girl". Now or never "further prepare appropriate sacrifices for the Poseidon to permit us a quiet trip home. War would have brought me the honor, but the blood shed just because of the pride would have undeniably destroyed it".

"King Menelaus does it means, you won´t be going to war?" asked one of them in disbelief. _I wish._ „It means that my brother won´t go to war with me "corrected him Mark. "The goddess is angry at him. He can´t go to the Troy that does not mean that we can´t" understanding illustrated faces of others. Up until now he avoided looking at Agamemnon and quickly turned back when he saw his face flushed with anger and lightning crackling in his eyes. He shut him completely out of the game and chased him into the corner. He can´t act without looking like a bloodthirsty tyrant. Mark approached him and fraternally squeezed his shoulder "thank you for your help, but I can´t want of you to commit such a heinous act. The gods have spoken. I will not further delay you, you've got so much to do for your return home. Good luck and let the gods go with you". He turned away and wanted to leave. "Sir, what about us "called one of the men. "We came all this way and now they're sending us away?!" on his face was fury. _Damn so close._ Mark took a moment to ponder, originally he just wanted to go with his army to try to negotiate and then give the command to go home because of the superiority of the Trojans. _Time to improvise._ With determined voice he said "Those who want to help are certainly welcome, but I must point out that the oath that you have agreed on pledged you to defend my right to Helen, so in this matter, you will follow my instructions". They blankly stared at him and after a while, when it was clear that he will not take back his words, agreed. "What are they?" asked, brown-haired middle-aged man who looked like actor Sean Bean. "We will continue preparations for war, but first we try diplomacy. I don´t want blood to be shed until it´s necessary. Therefore I´ll go ahead and invite the King of Troy to the conference. We'll see what happens. In the best case we avoid the war and in the worst our armies will be prepared and awaiting our call" said Mark. There was some grumbling but no one argued. If his eyes aren´t deceiving him some had a signs of respect and appreciative smiles on faces. He turned his back on them, and when he left this time no one stopped him. A quick walk to his tent and he finally dropped to the ground, tried to breathe deeply and calm his wildly beating heart.

"Can I enter?" a male voice rang behind a tarpaulin of a tent. Mark rose to his feet, adjusted his clothes and invited him inside. "Yes what´s the matter?" he asked a lookalike of Sean Bean which walked in. "My lord, my name is Odysseus I´m the king of Ithaca and I have been called to stand by your brother as his advisor since my services will not be needed by him I´m offering them to you". "I´m grateful to have counsel of such well-known astute man and accept your offer". "My lord, I strongly advice you against your course of action". Mark was taken back if someone should appreciated diplomatic approach he thought it would be Odysseus. Encouraged by his silence Odysseus continued" You should not go alone. It´s like you have said our oath was to defend your right to Helen, if you go and meet some unfortunate accident, our cause will ceased to be. I wouldn´t have thought Trojans will resort to such deceit but I wouldn´t have thought they would during the peace negotiations take off with someone else's wife." Mark was wordless and felt an unpleasant chill as he imagined his corpse swimming somewhere in sea and berated himself. _You are such idiot it would be so easy to do away with you, you have to stop underestimating them, they studied war craft all theirs lives in this time._ "You speak true Odysseus, so tell me what do you propose?" "It is centrally point in your favor to try diplomacy first, nobody can blame you if they won´t respond. To make sure of your safety during peace talk take with you all leaders. They would be foolish if they tried something than, people would have their heads". "Very well, it will be as you say, can I rely on you to tell others about a change of plans?". "Of course I will do so immediately". After his departure he exhaust stripped off his clothes and laid on a cushion made from furs and pillows which apparently served as a bed. When he pulled the blanket over his head his last thought was that he wakes up on sofa and hopefully finds out everything was only bad dream.

 _Lucky I don´t get seasick, that's the last thing I would have needed_. He is leaning on the railing and looking at the turquoise blue ocean.

When he was woken up he felt despair. No home, no bratty sister, no nagging mother and no future. Those first days are like in the mist, he boarded and a couple of days spent in his cabin where servants brought him food. When he roused himself he vowed that he will live his life to the fullest. This was not something he would have chosen but for better or worse now it was all he had.

He has much things to do and very little time. He made himself get up and start socializing. After all it´s very important for him to know his allies.

Odysseus was pleasant company and a well of information. He had to be extremely careful bud he had one advantage. It seems nobody has taken much notice of Menelaus, well with his brother who is called the High king it isn´t so strange, he was always in his shadow. Now he benefited on the fact that no one will notice his changed personality. He would sit on the deck and listened to the conversations around him. He was glad when he pieced from snatches of banters that Menelaus has been pacific homebody. He could have had afforded it, Sparta has trained military and none wanted to become his enemy especially with backing from his brother. This explains the peace meeting with Troy. It is a relief to don't have to pretend to be warlord and have excuse for lack of fighting too. Looking at it, it seems to me that that's why Agamemnon and he got along so well. He didn't have to watch his back with Menelaus´s lack of ambition. Even if he couldn't go himself he sent one of his generals to ensure that he would have a say. Really if it wasn't so inconvenient he would have admired his cunning but since Mark intends to avert a war, which he is so hell bent on getting, it was just annoying. He made sure to be polite to the general whose name he founded out was Palamedes but he tried to avoid him.

Ajax son Aeacus, king of the island of Aegina and grandson of Zeus, was colossal man. His skin was pattered with tattoos, his head bald and in his strong arms he carried huge shield. Seriously he looked like he could crush the skull with his bare hands. You would think he´s pure muscle but no, he´s intelligent too. He overheard him talking with Odysseus about strategy and man knows his stuff. His cousin is Achilles.

They really won jackpot with theirs birth, that godly blood is such cheat. Yea I am jealous, I want some upgrades too dammit! I don't want to be fragile bundle of flesh and bones! Instead of some hard to kill stamp I had to get off my ass and try to learn how to defend myself. Yeah, I dragged a guard to my cabin, and ordered him to teach me fighting, he probably thought I was nuts, but obeyed. That is the plus of being king, the people have the habit of doing what you tell them to. And no I'm not crazy, it was one of my people, so I didn't have to worry that he will open his big mouth and slip up. How did it go? Pretty bad. But things could be worse. It seems that my body has some reflexes so I can successfully dodge and partial block, but I still finish all bruised. Even worse is attacking. It's really hard to stick the end of a sharp pointy rod into someone and not get punctured myself when I´m exposed because of strike. So no I didn't become overnight miraculously a prodigious fighter, but I was determined that at least the basics l will learn. The hours were tough, but I didn't give up. You know the saying better sweat now than bleed later.

Achilles, what can I say about Achilles? Legendary hero and the greatest fighter of all times. Yeah, he was deadly alright. But why did nobody said to me, he´s so HOT?! First time I saw him, I couldn´t stop myself and stared. He was tall with sun kissed skin, glowing penetrating blue eyes and mane of unrestrained blonde hair. As if he was made of gold and the rest were just colorless shades, even for a moment none could doubt that in his veins is the divine blood. And how he moved! Such graceful movements enhanced by intense movement of glossy muscles. A wild beast, that what he was, his human body could hardly contain him. It was only fitting that his sign is a lion, he could not be anything else.

And what did I do? I turned on heel and avoided him like my life depend on it. I didn´t wanted to but it was necessary. My teenage hormones begged me to watch from a distance, at least, and I wanted to I really wanted to, but I didn´t waver. The hottest man on planed or not. I won´t do such a stupid thing. It doesn't have to look like it, but I'm not that good of an actor. I'm sure I would have in his presence has done something stupid. It's me, when I fancy someone I couldn´t make a sound or either I start to babble nonsense, and that's not counting how clumsy I get or how I blush so much, I look like lobster. Does he even likes the guys at all? Not that I had any chance anyway. He was relieved when he found out that he looks almost the same. He was a little taller and more muscular, had tan and his chestnut hair gained reddish tinge but that were almost all difference. He was surprised that he has a beard, but he just shaved it, then he looked younger which was no win in his position, but it gave him a impression of normalcy. So yes he wasn´t hideous monster but he won´t win beauty contest either. He was average and honestly he quite liked it that way. He wasn´t popular but not among the bottom, could have easily blend in with the crowd or to join a group of his friends. Yeas it will be better to hold his head down and avoid complications and if he dreamed about soft ardent whispered words across his skin, passionate blue eyes and golden skin it was his secret.

The rest of time he spend in his cabin working on the details for his plan. Wearily he tried to prepare for their arrival thanking his lucky stars that he can read the Ancient Greek otherwise he would have been at his end.

The journey was smooth and they swiftly reached theirs goal. He ordered the ship to anchor and then sent a messenger with a letter for the King Priam. Other commanders were told about it and left to make their own preparation. Also he organized a couple of baskets unpacked with food and drink and a couple of blankets and pillows. He ignored skeptical looks of the others. Its common sense to try to make the participant during meetings comfortable. They are in better mood and they are bound to act more politely then they would otherwise. Companies use that tactics all the time. On top of that he would gain the look of a civilized man. He had to get it at any price. At this time valued above all are spoils of war, more battles you win more respect you get. Lacking the ability to obtain this, left him nothing but imitate the Odyssey. He wasn´t in a lot of battles, but thanks to his smarts, he is enjoying the respect of others. _I really can´t screw this, not only because of the war, but also for what comes after._ The Kings cannot be weak, those who are very quickly lose their head. Menelaus received the Kingdom thanks to the wedding with Helena, he mustn´t let someone's thought of rebellion come to fruition and as long as he isn´t be able to read the Royal documents, he goes blind. Don´t knows any laws, who is regent or his obligations. Only think left is to bluff, he must disguise his ignorance so that others will believe that he knows more than is true and all errors will look intentional (as a trap), and the errors they will make and he won´t comment on (won´t notice) will get him the disposition of a generous man.

Eagerly he looked for the rider and was among the first to see him. He galloped at a fast trot and was accompanied by another person in a glittering silver armor and a turquoise coat. "Sir, the king accepts and sends you a guide that will take you to the destination." stammered breathlessly. "Well done, summon the others. I want to go as soon as possible. We will be accompanied by a dozen soldiers, who will carry the things I put aside".

The guide was experienced and in a moment they arrived. Before them loomed a temple with a golden statue of Apollo proudly standing on the roof. Mark motioned the guards to bring the things up the long stone staircase and pile them in a square, which passed the entrance. Huge blankets were spread out and cushions arranged to serve as chairs. Boxes were reversed and set on a smaller piece of tile that separated the blankets. Finally, they were left bowls with dried fruit, meat and cheese. Next to them stood glasses and carafes of wine and water. When he was satisfied he ordered them to wait downstairs and threatened them that if they did anything to botch negotiations, they will regret it.

In silence, he settled on one of the pillows and he poured himself a little water. Odysseus raised his eyebrows and copied him. Ajax stretched out and basked in the sun. Palamedes sat nearby and poured himself a glass of wine, nonetheless he still complained, "I don't know why we have to crowd here in the steamer when in the inside is more space and a lot cooler." "It seemed more fitting." "And why is that?" "Strange that you ask general. I thought that someone with such a large experience will understand my intent right away." Palamedes flushed. Mark passed it without comment.

"This place has been especially chosen, all far and wide know how pious Priam is, he would never do anything akin to blasphemy and desecration such as spill blood in the house of patron of Troy. We stay out, because not everybody is like him, and I wouldn't be surprised if someone thought that our death was for theirs benefit. The interior of the temple is made for ambush, many dark corners and no one can tell if they truly are the priests. Moreover, from here we can cover such a distance, that a possibility that anyone can take us by surprise very small ".

"It seems that you still have much to learn," jested Odysseus. Ajax was loudly shaking with laughter at the sight of Palamedes scowling face. A deep sultry voice spilled over him and he cocked his head, he glimpsed Achilles, who was leaning against a pillar with crossed arms. He was shrouded in light, and his lips were curled in smile. He was grateful when the moment was interrupted by delegation, which had just arrived. Priam and an elderly man who had to be his adviser settled down opposite him and Odysseus. Tall, dark and handsome copied Achilles and remained standing. He was followed by a young couple who sat down as far as possible and the young man who had a girl in his arms sent him a dirty look.

This must be Paris and Helen. Mark closely examined them. Paris had a smooth face with big dark eyes and a head full of curls. Typical pretty boy. He was more interested in Helen. She was a devastatingly beautiful. Skin like porcelain, silky long golden hair to her knees and her face, oh her face, was angelic. He turned to her and her gorgeous gray eyes looked like a doe´s in the spotlight.

To the King, he said without taking his eyes off her "Please wait. Before we can start to act, there's something I have to solve." Priam was obviously confused but motioned for him to continue. He adopted friendly tone "Helen, I want you to answer me one question. You have nothing to worry about just answer truthfully. Did you left of your own free will or have you been taken by force? ". Paris bristled, "of course, she hasn´t been kidnapped, she left with me because we love each other". That gave her courage and she looked straight into Mark's eyes, "yes, it is truth, I love Paris and I want to be with him". _That´s awesome, now I don´t have to feel bad if I won´t fight for you._ To show his understanding he nodded and pulled out a carefully prepared stack of papers from a bag. He selected two and one of them he handed to Hector "Be so kind and give it to Helen, please". "What is a meaning of this?!".

"Just finishing what you started. Please, note that this will become legal only after the official signing of the peace" "I think that we are entitled to know what it says, if it touches the Troy" came the decisive voice of the king. "It's simple, Helen declares that she and her entire bloodline renounces any claim to the Spartan throne and thus the kingdom. Furthermore she disclaims her daughter Hermione and entrusts her sole custody to the father, therefore me. And lastly she admits that she intentionally violated the vows, and that it is the reason the marriage is annulled. She takes a full responsibility and will make appropriate amends to the goddess Hera."

"You can't be serious!". He started to become fed up. _Nice approach didn´t take, have do it the hard way then._ "I am. I think it's fair. You failed as a queen when you left your kingdom and brought it to the edge of war, so you will withdraw. You disappointed as a mother, when you left your daughter without any hesitation. I really don´t know what you thought will happen, it could have been second Medea situation. Because of her happiness it will be in her best interest to sever a contact with you. And we don´t need to discuss how you failed at the last point, suffice to say I don´t belong among men who gives theirs favor to a woman, however beautiful, who has no problem with spreading her legs for everybody. "

She looked as if he hit her, when she heard how Ajax tried to disguise his laughter by a fake coughing, she humiliated cast her eyes down. Paris was about to leap to his feet, but Hector's strong arm held him firmly on the ground. Mark turned to Priam and calmly handed him a paper, "Helen´s conditions are absolutely unchangeable, but I'm willing to negotiate the terms of Trojan´s."

The treaty: Menelaus, king of Sparta and King Priam of Troy confirms by this agreement peace between their countries. Let the weapons fall silent, end strife and peace will reign.

King Menelaus agrees to forgive and forget the transgressions that preceded this contract if these conditions are met:

1) Public apology from prince Paris and crown prince Hector for violation of the ceasefire and for the crime of theft.

2) As compensation of their actions Troy agrees to renounce, in favor of Sparta, a port and a neighboring village, including land according to the Spartas choice.

3) Troy will pay Sparta twenty-five boxes full of gold. Thus repay the full value of the stolen goods and henceforth they become the rightful property. Which means that after paying dowry for a woman named Helen, a former queen of Sparta, she becomes Helen of Troy.

 **Author notes:** I´m stuck. I backed myself to the corner and don´t know how to get out :(. I want to make King Priam refuse the terms and go to war, but I can´t think of reason for it. I just make Mark too good in this. Any ideas?


End file.
